The Shackles of SHAME: How South Asian Parents Use Shame to Control Their Children

Shame is an invisible force, yet it’s one of the most powerful tools of control, especially within South Asian families. It doesn’t strike with a loud voice or a raised hand, but instead with a subtle glance, a sigh to guilt-trip, or a carefully chosen phrase that cuts deeper than any punishment ever could. For many raised in South Asian households, shame wasn’t just a feeling, it was part of a daily routine at home.

“Log kya kahenge” - “What will people say?” “What will people think?”

“You’re embarrassing the family.”

“Girls from good homes don’t behave like that.”

“Boys should not cry.”

“[Insert auntie/uncle name here] son/daughter does not behave this way.”

These statements weren’t simply comments, they were commandments. And if a child disobeyed, the consequence wasn’t always physical, but it was internal. Casted out emotionally, sitting at the table, but feeling like a stranger. You’d hear the words of your elders echo in your head long after they were spoken. Shame, in these moments, become shackles tightening around your self-worth, your autonomy, your identity.

In collectivist cultures like many South Asian communities, identity is often woven into family and community. You don’t just carry your own name, you carry your father’s name, your mother’s reputation, and your family’s honor. This creates a deep sense of interconnectedness, but it also creates grounds for shame-based parenting.

Rather than encouraging self-reflection or accountability, shame is often weaponized as a form of emotional discipline. A child is not taught why something is wrong, they are simply made to feel that they ARE wrong. Not that they made a mistake, but that they are the mistake.

Control Disguised as “Care”

To many parents, this way of raising children is viewed as love. “I only say these things because I care.” But love built on fear is not love, it’s control. And it’s control that gets passed down generationally. Many South Asian parents were never given the tools for emotional regulation. They were never modeled gentleness. They learned that survival meant obedience and that obedience could only come from shaming a child into submission.

• Maintain control – “You’re a disgrace to this family.”

• Ensure conformity – “This isn’t how good girls/boys behave.”

• Preserve reputation – “Everyone is talking about you.”

• Suppress emotions – “Stop crying. What’s wrong with you?”

Shame becomes the leash that keeps children from becoming their full selves. And yet, that very leash is decorated with phrases like “respect,” “tradition,” and “honor.”

Children raised under the weight of shame often grow into adults who:

• Struggle with perfectionism and people-pleasing

• Have a hard time setting boundaries

• Feel like they’re never “good enough”

• Experience anxiety, depression, or emotional numbness

• Carry deep resentment toward their families while also feeling guilty for it

• Battle addiction

• Have toxic relationships

To break the shackles of shame is not to disrespect your roots. It is to honor your lineage by refusing to let pain be passed down in the name of love. It means calling out control disguised as care. It means separating who you are from what you were taught to be.

And it means giving yourselves and maybe one day your children, a new language. A language where discipline is rooted in dignity. Where guidance is paired with grace. Where love is not conditional on obedience, and where you are allowed to exist without the burden of being everyone’s pride project.

To all the South Asian children who grew up silently swallowing shame:

You are not your parents’ fears.

You are not your community’s expectations.

You are not too much.

You are not not enough.

You are free.

And now, it’s your turn and duty to write a different story.